


Don't Mourn Me If I Go

by deNOrthernLIGHTs



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Break Up, Communication, Episode Related, Episode: s02e20 Beside Still Water, Getting Back Together, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Magnus doesn't trust the Clave, Or like them, Prejudice, Self-Worth Issues, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-21 21:22:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11952903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deNOrthernLIGHTs/pseuds/deNOrthernLIGHTs
Summary: Alec shakes his head. “Tell me you didn’t just spend the entire day thinking you weregoing to die.”The smile falls. “It was a fair assumption, considering.”“But-“ Alec swallows a lump in his throat. “But it wasn’t just an assumption. You sounded certain.”“I just didn’t want to make you watch me die.” Magnus’s voice is so quiet Alec barely hears it. “That wouldn’t have been fair to you.”What if Magnus realized he didn't need to choose between Alec and the downworld before the alley conversation? What if the way he acted in 2x20 was just that, an act?





	Don't Mourn Me If I Go

**Author's Note:**

> Thank God they got back together, I don't know how I would have handled waiting for season 3 if they hadn't.
> 
> To anyone waiting for an update to 'Never Let You Go', I will update it, it's just that 2B has left me with a lot of new ideas and I can't help but write them.

Magnus is careful to scold his features, barely faltering at his fellow downworlders’ news. The Seelie Queen has betrayed them. Their only chance at protecting the downworld, the one person Magnus had bet _everything_ on, and she’s stabbed him in the back. He’s been a fool. _Again_. But he’s not about to admit it, not when that might mean crumpling in front of them. No, he’s worked too hard to build his walls up to allow that to happen now. So Magnus puts a weak smile on his face and carefully dismisses Simon and Luke. It’s easier this way. Only once they leave does Magnus allow his mask of indifference to drop, slumping against the wall as a terrible feeling of defeat seeps through his bones.

He’d felt betrayed by the shadowhunters, centuries of mistreatment and prejudice finally coming to a head, so he turned to the Queen. It seemed like a good, safe option at the time. After all, they were all after the same goal… or so Magnus had thought.

He can still see Alec’s pained look at the last meeting. _“Magnus, is this true?”_ He’d looked away, unable to hold Alexander’s gaze.

It’s not like he hadn’t known what he was doing - turning his back on the Nephilim, potentially contributing to the start of a war. Magnus wasn’t naïve. But he wanted to protect his people, not just from Valentine, but from the Clave too. And, if he was being honest, he wanted to protect himself. With the body switch disaster, the memories that wouldn’t leave him alone and then Alec, again and again choosing the Clave over Magnus, it felt like the ground was slipping form under his feet.

Maybe Magnus is too quick to assume the worst, to pull away and hide behind his carefully constructed defenses. But how many times in the past does he wish he would’ve been more cautious? Just look at the Camille fiasco! Of course, Magnus reminds himself, Alexander isn’t Camille.

Sighing, Magnus stalks over to the couch and practically collapses on it, resting his head in his hands.

In a way, Magnus resents Alec’s new position in the institute. It used to be easy to separate his shadowhunter from the rest of the Clave, but now… Well, the thing is, Magnus doesn’t trust the Clave, one might even say he feels distain towards it, and somewhere along the way, he’d began putting Alec in that category. But that isn’t fair. Alexander genuinely cares about the downworld, cares about _Magnus._

And that’s the difference between the Seelie Queen and Alexander. The Queen only looks out for herself and the seelies, she’s an ally as long as it’s convenient, while Alec is looking out for everyone, not because he has to, but because that’s who he is. Whatever went wrong, whatever mistakes he’s made, none of it was ever Alec’s intention. He’s truly and honestly trying to do right by everyone. Magnus never should’ve trusted the Queen over him.

His heart sinks. _Lilith, what has he done?_

Magnus is creating a portal so fast, he doesn’t even pause to grab his jacket before stepping through. He portals outside the institute and is halfway up the stairs ready to _apologizebegforforgivenessholdAlexanderinhisarms_ when he freezes, a horrible realization coming through.

He’s about to die.

Valentine in on his way to Lake Lynn and the Queen is no longer offering shelter. This is it, centuries, some of them spent actually _wishing_ for death, and this is how it happens. The odds were never in their favor to begin with, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it now.

Oh how Magnus _aches_ to spend his last hours with Alexander… But that wouldn’t be fair. How can he come back just to leave again? Hasn’t Alec suffered enough, hasn’t Magnus already hurt him _enough_? The least Magnus can do is spare him this. Magnus isn’t that insecure to think Alexander won’t suffer from his loss, but surely it’ll be easier if he thinks he’s already lost Magnus? Let him grieve the jerk who dumped him, instead of someone he might’ve had a future with.

With an aching heart and burning eyes, Magnus turns around and quickly creates a new portal, least someone sees him here.

…

He’s sent the other warlocks away, telling them to try and protect themselves any way they can. Catarina was the only one who lingered, eyeing Magnus with worry, but then Madzie had pulled at her arm and she too left his loft, sending a pointed look over her shoulder.

Magnus is just trying to find the most appropriate drink for the end of the world when there’s a knock. He halts, chest constricting painfully, because his wards are alerting of the presence of a certain shadowhunter.

His heart is pounding but Magnus has had centuries to practice hiding his emotions, so when he opens the door his expression is one of a cold annoyance as he makes a show of ignoring Alec’s presence.

“Magnus.” Alec stops him from shutting the door.

Magnus wants to say he’s sorry and that he’s not ready to die, that he’s just found his will to live and the world shouldn’t be that cruel. He wants to ask Alec to _stay_.

Instead, he says “What do you want, _shadowhunter_?” spitting the last word out like a curse. It’s an act and his heart isn’t it - Magnus might be dramatic, but it’s not in his nature to be cruel.

A part of him hopes Alexander will see through it and fight for him, he doesn’t think he’d have it in him to keep this up if he did.

“There’s something you need to know, about the Queen.”

The reminder of how much he failed hurts, so Magnus makes sure to snap an answer with as much detachment as he can manage.

In the end Magnus begrudgingly agrees to close the rift, stressing that he’s most definitely _not_ doing it for Alec, which might or might not be a lie. At least it means he gets to see Alexander again before… well, better not dwell on it.

But just as Magnus is about to portal over to the institute, he stops to consider the fact that he really might not have that much time left. In fact, it’s very probable he won’t ever come back to this loft. Magnus looks around, taking in the mess the warlocks have left behind. With a flick of a wrist he sends the broken vases to the trashcan and makes sure everything’s back where it belongs. Next, Magnus manually fixes the cushions on his couch, before sitting down to take everything in, one last time.

No, this isn’t right. There’s still something, something pulling at his heart, preventing him from leaving. Alexander. Oh, dear, wonderful Alec-

Coming to a sudden decision Magnus magic’s up a sheet of paper and a pen.

…

Magnus makes sure to keep up his tough exterior throughout the day, but bits of it crumple. It happens when Alexander pauses to ask if he’ll be okay, and then again when Magnus finds himself on the ground, depleted of energy, and suddenly Alec is there, eyes shining with worry.

“You can’t get rid of me that easily.” Magnus says a little breathlessly before he can think the words through. It’s a lie, but Alec seems relieved and Magnus isn’t dead _yet_.

Magnus decides dying might not be all that scary, if Alec keeps looking at him like that.

Whatever hope Magnus still held vanishes when Alec announces Jace’s death. And then there’s nothing left to do but portal to Idris.

They see the lights as soon as they step out of the portal - they light up the sky with gold. Magnus would find it beautiful, if it wasn’t the thing that would soon wipe out the entire downworld.

“We’re too late.” Izzy says staring at the lights with horror.

Here it is, this is the part Magnus has been dreading all day. “He raised the angel.”

“Magnus, you have to get to safety.” Alec says quickly.

But there is no safety. And Magnus isn’t about to spend his last minutes on this earth hiding from something that’s unavoidable. He’d rather be here, with Alexander and Izzy.

So he shakes his head softly. “We need to find Clary and Jace.” He starts walking towards the lights, but then there’s a hand gripping his arm with a frantic kind of desperation.

“Magnus.” Alec’s voice shakes. It’s enough to crack the rest of Magnus’s defenses, whatever anger or hurt he’d still held in his heart finally burning out.

But it doesn’t matter. He’s not selfish enough to cause Alec more pain just so that he doesn’t die alone.

With his last bit of determination Magnus pulls his expression into something cold and hard. “We have to go.”

Alec winces but nods and they walk through the trees, where the light is now fading.

…

Alec is almost giddy with excitement. He’s home, finally, finally home. Magnus forgave him and he has another chance that he’s _not_ going to screw up. The loft looks exactly like he remembers it - warm and welcoming.

“What are you thinking about?” Magnus asks wrapping his arms behind Alec.

Alec grins. “You” He turns around in Magnus’s arms. “This. Home.”

Magnus smiles brightly. Alec still can’t believe he’s privy to this openness and affection again. He kisses Magnus softly, just because he can and then he laughs. “I missed you.”

Magnus’s smile turns sad and Alec curses himself silently. But then Magnus pecs his lips again, seemingly just as relieved by the turn of events.

“What do you say you make yourself comfortable and I’ll go draw us that bath?”

Alec nods eagerly, but feels a surge of disappointment when Magnus steps away to do exactly that. To distract himself, he starts walking around the loft, re-familiarizing himself with everything as if he hadn’t seen it for years instead of a couple days. It’s just that, they cut it _so_ close. Alec can’t even bring himself to think about how close he came to losing Magnus, in more ways than one. Once again he finds himself owing Clary a huge debt.

He’s shaking his head trying to clear it form the thoughts that are too depressing for the already difficult day, when he sees it. A letter sticking out from under Magnus’s cushions.

Normally, Alec would respect Magnus’s privacy, but it’s such an odd place to put a letter - somewhere it would definitely be seen, but not at first glance - and it’s been a difficult day. So Alec carefully pulls it out further and then frowns at the only two words written on the envelope.

_Isabelle Lightwood_

He really shouldn’t open it, especially not now that trust is so scarce, but there’s a burning in Alec’s chest that makes the decision for him.

_Dearest Izzy,_

_I hope this finds you okay. Perhaps if I had more time I’d find a more secure way to leave this for you, but as it is, time is not on my side._

_I can only imagine what a difficult time this is for you all, but you, Isabelle, are strong and you will get through this, of this I am sure. Just like I am sure you are the best person to make my request to._

_I have lived through centuries, too many of them, or sometimes it so seemed. How much time I’ve spent wishing for death, sure that life could not offer any more light. And now, just as I’ve found a desire to live, life is being ripped away. I won’t lie and say I am ready or content, I’m not. But I need you to not be sad or blame yourselves, because I wouldn’t trade the time I’ve spent with your brother for eternity itself. I love him Izzy, so much. I’m not angry anymore, I understand why he did what he did. But if the last thing I can do with my life is spare Alexander some pain, then that’s what I’m going to do. Let him think there was no longer love between us, that I gave up on what we had. Let him learn to hate me and then move on._

_But the one thing I cannot do, is die not knowing he’ll be alright. So here’s my last request – take care of Alec. Make sure he gets through this. And if he blames himself, then you can tell him that none of this was his fault, that these are my words._

_I wish you the best,_

_MB_

When Alec finishes reading, there’s moisture in his eyes and his hands can’t seem to stop trembling. He can’t even decide on which _part_ of the letter to focus.

“Alexander,” Magnus strolls into the living room “the bath is- oh.”

Alec looks up with wide eyes, quickly scanning Magnus as if he could find some visible injury.

“I- I forgot about that.” Magnus offers with an embarrassed smile.

Alec shakes his head. “Tell me you didn’t just spend the entire day thinking you were _going to die_.”

The smile falls. “It was a fair assumption, considering.”

“But-“ Alec swallows a lump in his throat. “But it wasn’t just an assumption. You sounded certain.”

Magnus is quiet so Alec carefully steps closer. “Magnus.” His voice cracks.

Magnus shrugs, a mask of indifference on his face. “You can hardly blame me for reaching that conclusion.”

“But you just accepted it. You weren’t even going to say _goodbye_.” Alec studies Magnus’s features, noticing the cracks in his armor. “I don’t understand, if you weren’t angry, then why?”

“You know why. I was trying to spare you the pain.”

“ _No_.” Alec clutches his fingers around the letter. He’s shaking his head in denial, of what, even he’s not sure. “You were going to leave me thinking you died hating me. That I never got a chance to make this right. You were going to make me regret that for the rest of my life!” He yells from sorrow rather than anger, but Magnus winces and it makes Alec deflate. He steps closer, entering Magnus’s personal space. “How could you ever think I could hate you? Or that anything about losing you could be bearable?”

Magnus blinks away tears. “I just didn’t want to make you watch me die.” Magnus’s voice is so quiet Alec barely hears it. “That wouldn’t have been fair to you.”

And Alec doesn’t know how he feels about Magnus trying to put Alec first even when facing death, but he can’t stop thinking about a world where Magnus dies alone, thinking there could ever be anyone else for Alec. How can he not understand how important he is?

“But I told you, I can’t live without you. If you had died-“ He chokes on his words.

“Oh, Angel.” Magnus moves to wipe tears from Alec’s eyes, but the pet name makes something in the shadowhunter break and he throws his arms around Magnus, holding on in a similar way he did after Valentine’s massacre.

Magnus lets out a surprised huff of air, but then he’s holding on just as tightly.

“Alexander.” Magnus mumbles against his neck. “It’s alright, we’re both alright.”

They stay like that until Alec’s tears subside. Eventually, Magnus pulls back to run his fingers over Alec’s cheek.

“I’m sorry. I’ve been so stupid. I’m so sorry.” Magnus says shakily.

“What? Magnus, what are you apologizing for?”

“I trusted a psychopath over you.” Magnus chuckles hollowly, the sound full of self-deprecation. “I was just so angry, and…” He turns his gaze away “and I think I let past grievances with the Clave cloud my judgement.” Magnus says the last part carefully.

Alec blinks, unsure what to make of the admission.

Of course Magnus, being hundreds of years old, would have suffered injustice from his kind. And it shouldn’t be a surprise that ill feelings have remained. Since becoming head of the institute Alec has witnessed the tensions between their kinds firsthand, and he can still remember Hodge hinting at Magnus’s _‘deep mistrust of shadowhunters’_ all those months ago. Except it is a surprise to Alec. Magnus has been nothing but kind and ready to help since their first meeting, when a bunch of shadowhunters crashed into his life. Yes, it’s a surprise, and it _hurts_. Especially since he probably deserves to be placed in that category. All the mistakes he’s made, his own prejudice mindset before meeting Magnus… Alec’s breathe hitches with the beginnings of panic. _How can he ever make up for so many wrongdoings?_

“Alexander,” Magnus snaps him out of the dark thoughts. “you misunderstand me, I’m saying _I was wrong_. Your instinct is always to protect, be it shadowhunter or downworlder.” Magnus leans their foreheads together, looking at Alec with the kind of intensity that makes him think he’s looking at Magnus’s very soul. “You’re everything that’s good and pure in my life, and I was a fool to even for a second think it was okay to put the weight of your ancestors’ wrongs on you. It wasn’t, Alexander. And if there was ever a person in my life I could trust completely, it’s you. Instead I turned to a woman who only knows how to manipulate and play games.” He sighs before whispering ‘ _again_ ’.

Magnus takes a deep breath, shoulders sagging as if a weight’s been lifted.

“Turning my back on you was a mistake.” Magnus continues before Alec can gather his thoughts enough to reply. “I realized that once I learned of the Queen’s betrayal.”

“What? But-“ Alec cuts himself off, thinking back to Magnus’s letter.

Magnus smiles weakly. “I wanted to tell you all this then, but…” He trails off with a shrug.

“So-“ Alec clears his throat to steady his voice. “So when I came to ask for your help, you didn’t mean all that?” He asks, hating his voice for sounding so hopeful.

“Oh, of course not.” Magnus’s voice seems to crack. “I hated myself for acting that way towards you. All I wanted all day was to have you by my side.”

“Me too.” Alec admits tearfully. He shakes his head to clear it. “Magnus, I understand why you did it, but you have to understand too, I- I need you. I-” He closes his eyes with frustration. He can’t mess this up, not this time, by the Angel. “If all we had was a minute, I’d take it in a heartbeat. I’d give everything for that minute- with you. _By the Angel_ , I’m not making any sense.” He rubs his forehead, causing Magnus to chuckle.

“Actually, you are.”

Alec pauses. He searches Magnus’s eyes. “Then tell me you understand. Tell me I don’t have to worry you’ll decide to suffer alone the next time you’re in trouble. Because we’re a team, Magnus. We have to do this together.”

Something in Magnus’s eyes changes. “I promise.” He nods. “I’m sorry.”

“If anyone should be sorry, it’s me.” Alec says and hugs Magnus again, this time with relief.

“No, you shouldn’t. Not anymore.” Magnus whispers softly and that’s that. Alec decides there’s been too many apologies and shifting of blame already, so he lets it go, lets himself believe Magnus, and lets Magnus believe in him.

But there’s still one thing that’s pulling at Alec.

“Magnus,” He says, pulling back slightly to look at the warlock. “in the letter, you said you’d wanted to die…”

Suddenly Alec remembers what happened at Max’s rune party, and how Magnus tried talking to him after, telling him ‘he’d been there himself’. At the moment, Alec had been too embarrassed about the whole thing and hadn’t thought anything of it, but now…

Magnus winces, but doesn’t pull away. Alec begins to wonder if he shouldn’t have said anything when Magnus nods.

“I did.”

“But not anymore… right?” He asks carefully.

And Magnus smiles the first genuine smile since they’d started talking, and Alec allows himself to relax. “Not anymore.”

He hesitates. “You’ll tell me if things ever get that bad?” He uses Magnus’s own words, which makes the other chuckle softly.

“I will... I promise.”

Alec smiles back, leaning in to kiss Magnus.

He thinks, they’ll be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Well I hope this turned out alright.
> 
> Come say hi on [Tumblr](https://inwinterhaze.tumblr.com/)  
> or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/InWinterHaze)


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